Our Son

Off topic from the house.

Warning, this post is personal. It may make you cry, it may upset you, but it is real and full of a mother's passion. It speaks of death and it speaks of life. (I do not write this as a psychological expert, I simply share with you my story.)

Today, my son is 11 days old.

Fourteen months ago, our daughter passed away in the womb, a month shy of her due date. Her heart stopped beating, and at the time we thought ours had has well. We were broken, surely, and we placed our hearts in the only fortress we could: our faith. We delivered her, we held her, and we have pictures with her. We inhaled every detail of her. She was so desired, and so loved. We cherished her short life. And then we made plans for her funeral.

As you consider congratulating us (and please, feel free!), please know that we grieve amidst the joy of this second birth. Many of you may have had no idea that we were expecting again. Please know we were not hiding this second gift. But I will try to explain our reasoning for not "announcing".

When we learned that our second little gift was coming, it was a moment filled with excitement and utter fear. You see, we had already carried one baby for 36 weeks, created her nursery, named her, spoke to her and interacted with her. And then we lost her.

As many parents of miscarriage may do, we waited to tell people. We waited for the other shoe to drop. But for us, we were not in the "safe zone" at 12 weeks, as many people believe it to be. Yes, your risk for losing a baby goes down considerably after 12 weeks. But, miscarriage was not our story. We did not feel safe. Up to the day we delivered him, we did not feel safe.

Each appointment we have gone to has been thrilling and terrifying. It has been a endless mind game of "What if we go in and its over? Again." It has not kept us from loving this baby, nor interacting with him. But for the first 20 weeks or so, I could hardly articulate any conversation about him to anyone outside of my family. Did I think by talking about him, it would jinx things? Maybe. I really can't say why. I just know it was like a lump in my throat. Perhaps I felt like I would be forgetting his sister or moving on. Again, I can't explain the reason, it just was.

This pregnancy has been very, very different with our pregnancy with Elsie. She was a model baby, passing all her tests easily. She was quiet and sweet to her mama.

This little man has been different from day one. Their personalities are night and day. The early symptoms were different, the approach was different and his actions were different. At 16 weeks, I was diagnosed with MTHFR (a clotting disorder that affects the mother during pregnancy.) It puts me at a higher risk for having clots during pregnancy that could lead to a stroke or aneurysm. Though I had no active clots, I started daily injections (that I gave to myself) of a blood thinner. I had to keep it up throughout the pregnancy and will for a while yet postpartum.

Its been a rocky road, in spite of our hope and joy for this little guy. The closer we got to birth, the more emotional we became. The more we had to deal with the possibility of losing another baby. The more we were reminded that our daughter was not here. And as we started to physically show an obvious pregnancy, the more people began to take note. We appreciated the prayers we were surrounded with, as we were praying ourselves for a healthy baby who would be able to come home with us, ALIVE. I knew I would not be able to face the "Is he here yet?" questions with the anxiety that has surrounded this pregnancy. And so we kept this news close to our hearts.

We were also faced with a lot of comments and thoughts that were not helpful and sometimes hurtful. I share these because they have caused me to grow.

1. You will finally have a baby.  No. We already have one baby, this is our second. Just because we did not get to bring her home alive does not mean she did not exist.

2. You will finally be a mother/father.  In answer to your statement, we already were a mother and father.  I do not believe you instantly become a mother or father the moment your baby is born. God starts you on your parenting journey months before that so you have a little time to prepare. I began mothering my baby the second we knew we were expecting. I thought about how the foods I consumed would influence my children, how our life choices would impact their lives, etc. Remember, we were a mother and father who had to choose songs and readings for our baby's memorial service. We were parents who had to decide between cremation or funeral.

3. You can finally replace your loss. Our son is not a replacement. Babies have different personalities and they show it very early. My pregnancies were vastly different and the way these babies have interacted with us has been different. Our son will never be able to replace our daughter. She was a separate person.

4. Finally you will be fulfilled. Having a baby does not solve problems. While we deeply desired our children, our son will not fill the void our daughter left. Having another daughter would not fill the void she left.

5. Too bad this one is not a girl. Again, this baby would never have been a replacement for our daughter. We did not have this baby because we were trying to replace our daughter. We are truly just happy that we have a healthy little one growing.

6. Anything in reference to our son being our "first" baby. It is hurtful to think you may have forgotten our daughter. We have not. We think about her daily, and her loss has deeply influenced how we have gone through this pregnancy.

The journey of raising our son is going to be twice as hard, and twice as rewarding. They could have been twins at birth, they looked so much alike. We will think about all the things we never got to experience with Elsie, as we are experiencing them with Chester. We will take joy in his crying fits and even the temper tantrums as he gets older. I am not saying this in a "holier than thou" way. We will still have moments where we want to pull our hair out or just get some sleep. But we also look at that loss of sleep from a very different angle.

We will bring up our son knowing about his sister. Each year, we will remember the day she was born as a family. Our children are a blessing to us, both in their own ways. God has carried us through this journey of grief and hope, and we keep asking for Him to continue to walk with us. It did not end with the death of our daughter, and nor does it begin or end with the birth of our son.

Chet with Elsie's bear

Green Room

We have titled some of our rooms, in the same way that presidents and kings have in the past. Its very imaginative and totally practical. Hence: the green room.

(Side note for this whole blog: we do not claim to be experts, and we are learning as we go along on this journey, so some jobs are not done just once...unfortunately.)

The green room was another room the appraiser had taken pictures of and wanted us to fix. Therefore, it was another one that we wanted to get done before she came back to reappraise the house.

Obviously, yes, it needs painted. But can you see all the plaster cracks too? That was what really concerned her. 

Every wall was riddled with spider cracks. 

So we re-plastered the walls, re-caulked the windows, fixed cracks in the ceiling, and nearly broke our backs. And then the fun part came: sanding the walls. I kinda hate prepping walls to be painted because of this step. Its long, tedious, and super dusty. Even with drop cloths down, you still have to sweep and mop the floors ten times afterward. But, if you are going to do the job, try to do it right the first time.

Here is the room with freshly painted walls and ceiling! The floor has been swept 3x at this point, but not yet mopped. Trim is still not yet done in this room. We were just trying to do the walls to pass the appraisal so we could get the house. (It passed the next week.) Then, we started moving boxes into this room, since it was "mostly done." So trim will come in the spring...maybe.

Anyway, good bye cracks! Or so we thought, hence the disclaimer at the top. Some of these cracks have since reappeared, so we are going to have to rethink our strategy on these walls. Good thing is, we still have some paint left to recover the cracks we patch. But we really would prefer not to repaint rooms every 3 months.